Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Spam - mad bad old school stylez

After having a whinge, er I mean, making my point in a thoughtful manner, about spam in my inbox and spam on my phone, it looks like the bastards have continued the war on a third front - my physical mailbox. Yes this evening while lighting the fire, I wandered out the front door to check the mail and found a letter addressed to the missus. Unmarked, no return address and a laser printed envelope. I thought it was a bill or maybe some junk mail from the local shoe shop.

But alas, it was yet another peice of annoying and unsolicited communication from some fruit in Auckland called Kevin Hay. It was a chain letter, admonishing, nay pleading that we drop everything, sprint to the bank and send him and 4 others a cheque for fuck loads of money. Now, I have no doubt Kevin is not his real name, so for the purposes of this discussion I shall call him Fucktard.

It appeared Fucktard had taken the time and effort to write up some piece of crap chain letter, generated a few names (the ones at the bottom who had supposedly "gotten lucky") and fired it off. Actually, the effort FT has made with this letter isn't that great. Its wonky on the page, there's obvious errors that have been scribbled out, and it has far TOO MUCH CAPITALISATION AND EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!! The sure sign of a diseased mind in my opinion.

But even more amusing is when I decided to have a bleat, er discuss this on the blog, I did a quick Google on der Intertoobs to see if I could find it. And whadda ya know - searching for "chain letter examples", and the first result is the exact same letter. See here at and the first example is the Five Report Chain Letter. That's it! Fucktard got on the internet, did a search for examples, and used the very first one he came to. What a turd. Couldn't even be very original and make it personal.

I suppose this kind of spam is easy to deal with, and the least annoying of all, and it actually has a practical use - tonight it helped start the fire. But this is getting silly - every day we are bombarded with advertising, spam and phone calls telling us to "shut up!" and now I'm getting physical spam? What can you do these days?

Well, I for one am getting even. As we speak, forensics departments are poring over the letter for DNA traces, fingerprints are being lifted and the manufacturer of the paper is being called in for expert opinion. Just picture a scene from CSI okay? Once we have isolated the suspect, my crack squad of attack ninja/green beret's will be helicoptered to the miscreants house, surrounding the house with more fire-power than the entire New Zealand army. That's right - they have TWO guns. All of this will take place with the soundtrack by DevilDriver - big guitars, screaming vocals, lots of drums.
Doors will be broken down, windows smashed and the elite squad will pour into the house with no regard for human life, like an invading American army going into an oil rich country. The cretin will be snapped in the midst of licking the back of another envelope, sending spam regarding boob enlargements, and defacing a picture of the Queen. He'll be dragged off to the waiting helicopter, never to be seen again, never to darken my letterbox with his spam and never to touch a keyboard ever again.

Okay okay - dreams are free.

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